Imagine, for a moment, grief as an art canvas. It’s a tableau initially blinding white, then gradually tinged with the colors of our emotions. With every shade of sorrow, the canvas darkens, our hearts heavy with the inky black of loss. But, for some, this grief canvas becomes a haunting masterpiece of pathological mourning, their brushes perpetually dipped in shades too dark to endure. Understanding the difference between these spectrums of grief is as complex as it is crucial.
Ordinary mourning: the expected response to a significant loss, often understood as a process that gradually wanes over time. Its colors – the shock of crimson anger, the cool blues of sadness, and the elusive greens of acceptance – weave a narrative that is deeply personal, yet universally understood and whose colors change from day to day.
Pathological mourning: when the canvas of grief grows impenetrably dark, the pain, instead of ebbing, intensifies over time. This is the realm of compulsive sorrow, persistent yearning, and intrusive thoughts about the deceased, sometimes impacting an individual’s ability to function normally.
In essence, the distinction between these two processes lies in the hues of time and intensity. Mourning eventually (even if slowly) involves accepting the finality of loss in a way that is receptive to new colors, that will enhance the present and create space for something new in the future.
Consider Samantha (name changed), a woman in her early thirties who lost her mother to cancer. Grief strummed on the strings of her life, yet with the passage of time, the crescendo of her pain softened into a melancholy harmony. She resumed her life, never forgetting her mother, but incorporating the best parts of her into her life.
Contrast this with Jennifer (name changed), a woman of the same age who lost her father in an accident. The shock sent splinters of despair through her being, her life consumed by the storm of sorrow. Years later, Jennifer’s pain hasn’t diminished. Her mind is an echo chamber for her loss, every thought a reminder of her father’s absence. This isn’t simply mourning; it’s a relentless state of pathological mourning.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Vamik Volkan’s exploration of ‘linking objects’— objects that serve as emotional bridges to the deceased — illuminates the difference between these two states. For Samantha, a worn-out kitchen apron of her mother’s is a comfort, a sweet reminder. For Jennifer, her father’s favorite chair is a constant trigger, catapulting her back into fresh waves of grief.
Indeed, this illustration of grief and its pathological counterpart underscores the necessity of understanding the nuances of mourning, often underestimated in its complexity.
Such understanding calls for a reimagining of the dialogue around grief. Pathological mourning isn’t an extended period of mourning; it’s a more intense, protracted, and disruptive experience. All grief refuses to be boxed into stages. It is an idiosyncratic process; however some loss may be difficult to process without help.
The role of therapists, such as those working within the models of grief, always involve the intricate and labyrinthic story telling. Understanding who you lost, how they were lost and what part of you was lost with them is often a part of grieving. They aren’t there to “fix” grief, but better recognize it, understand it, and ultimately, paint their own canvas in their unique colors and shades.
REFERENCES:
Volkan, V. (1981). Linking Objects and Linking Phenomena.